i did something tonight, that i shouldn't have. i thought that i was ready. i thought that i could handle it. but as soon as i did it, and as soon as i read what i did, a flood of emotions came rushing over me.

i wasn't ready.

i needed to see something; i needed something to be true. i wanted what i kept telling myself in my head, to be true. but when i went looking for it, it wasn't there. it wasn't true. what i did find were months worth of stories and images--too overwhelming to take in all at once. there's a reason i stopped going to places like that. there's a reason, for these past several months, why i tried my hardest to close my eyes and shut myself out from everything and everyone.

i wasn't ready for this.

it's all very bittersweet--almost ironic, how things are unfolding now. i don't know what to do, or who to talk to. i'm so confused. i don't know what to feel, or what to say. i feel cheated--pushed out of something that i've wanted for so, so long. i feel angry, and upset. angry because there's nothing i can do. and upset because out of all things, a path i believed i would never see again, is verging onto mine.

i know that life isn't supposed to be fair..

but it doesn't have to be so mean..

i've never done this much..  in one day..  in a very long time..
labor day weekend was a lot of fun.  the weather was great.  blue skies as far as the eye can see.  not a cloud in sight.  it was a perfect day.


my god-sister, jacky, tending to the bbq..


my god-brother, dwayne, proud of a long day of boarding..


my god-brother, alwynn, enjoying a beautiful day..


catching some frisbee action with dwayne and charles.. ps. i love my camera..


after a long day at the beach, we walked through downtown san diego to catch some pizza and drinks..


taking a stroll through gaslamp.. seriously.. how can you not love this city..


ciro's pizza.. best pizza after 10pm.. $2.75 a slice.. heck yeah garlic & spinach.. tomato & basil, also delicious..

hope you guys had a fun weekend :)

so i just finished watching "he's just not that into you".  i know, it looks like a total chick flick, but i think it's more than that.   i think there are views from both the female cast, and the male cast, that are both equally important.  i really liked justin long and ginnifer goodwin's characters' storyline in particular.  at first, i saw a lot of myself, mannerisms and hopelessness, in the character of gigi.  i know, it's a female character, but it was her hopeless romantic view points that i identified with.

when i was younger, i was as hopeless as hopeless romantics get.  i pined away, girl after girl, hoping someday i would be lucky enough that one of them would return my affection, that they would reciprocate the love i had for them.  eventually, i found someone who did.  i found someone who i thought i could spend the rest of my life with.  and it was special.  and i thought she was "the exception".  turns out, i was just "the rule".  and much like jennifer connelly and bradley cooper's storyline, their love faded, and so did ours.  not so much on my side of the story, but more on her part.  there's a line at the end of the movie that i take to heart, whenever i feel like giving up.

"...maybe this happy ending doesn't include a wonderful [girl].  maybe it's you. on your own.  picking up the pieces and starting over.  freeing yourself up for something better in the future.  maybe the happy ending is just... moving on."

after hearing it, something finally clicked in my head.  something finally happened in my heart, and changed the bitterness and resentment to understanding and acceptance.  i have no doubt that she will be succesful and happy.  I see now, that maybe she wouldn't have those things if i were still in the picture.  this is not to say that i am not deserving of that happiness also.  or that i was not worthy, or good enough to be happy with her.  but i see now that maybe her path and my path in life were just too far apart.  that maybe our paths were never meant to intertwine, hoping one day to become one solid road.

but does that mean i'm going to give up?  shut myself out and push away people, or someone, that i might end up happy with?  as much as i liked justin long's character in this movie, i dont want to be that jaded guy.  i dont want to realize that i've been living behind a wall.  i dont want to have to wait to drive to someone's door in the middle of the night just to return a pen.  i want to know exactlty when it happens, when it does happen.  i want to be like i was before.  when i was younger and romantic.  before the heartache and pain.  we are capable of giving so much love.  i thought maybe i had nothing left.  but i know i still have something to give from within this heart broken heart.  if i didn't have anything left, then it wouldn't have hurt so much.  so maybe.  just maybe.  one day i hope i can look back at the rest of the line from the movie and know that i've found it.

"...or maybe the happy ending is this.  knowing that through all the unreturned phone calls and broken hearts. through all the blunders and misread signals.  through all of the pain and the embarrassment.  you never ever gave up hope."

so i have to promise this to myself, and only to myself.  i will not ever, ever give up hope.

goodnight.