i did something tonight, that i shouldn't have. i thought that i was ready. i thought that i could handle it. but as soon as i did it, and as soon as i read what i did, a flood of emotions came rushing over me.

i wasn't ready.

i needed to see something; i needed something to be true. i wanted what i kept telling myself in my head, to be true. but when i went looking for it, it wasn't there. it wasn't true. what i did find were months worth of stories and images--too overwhelming to take in all at once. there's a reason i stopped going to places like that. there's a reason, for these past several months, why i tried my hardest to close my eyes and shut myself out from everything and everyone.

i wasn't ready for this.

it's all very bittersweet--almost ironic, how things are unfolding now. i don't know what to do, or who to talk to. i'm so confused. i don't know what to feel, or what to say. i feel cheated--pushed out of something that i've wanted for so, so long. i feel angry, and upset. angry because there's nothing i can do. and upset because out of all things, a path i believed i would never see again, is verging onto mine.

i know that life isn't supposed to be fair..

but it doesn't have to be so mean..